just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
