i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
