Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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