You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize