I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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