you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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