somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
