Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
