I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
