He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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