Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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