EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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