I just threw up on my dentist
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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