Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
