Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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