I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
