between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
