im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
