What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I looked at my own cervix.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
