that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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