and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
