the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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