Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
