Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
