I accidentally had phone sex last night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
