I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
