Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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