I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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