i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
