I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
