So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
