And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You're like the curious george of whores
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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