if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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