Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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