She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
