it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
