I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
