Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
