8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
