She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
