All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize