I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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