awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
