i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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