my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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