...so i touched it.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
