please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
