I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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