she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
