can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
