im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
