kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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