She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
