Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
