Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
